If You Could See What This Does To Me
by stevebucky
Summary: Bucky's used to waking up in strange places.


After joining the army, Bucky gets used to waking up in strange places. First was the barracks at basic, when he had to get used to sleeping alone. Then he was sent in combat and the barracks turned into abandoned houses, recently bombed barns that had just enough of a roof left to protect them from the wind. Sometimes he woke up in the dirt of the trenches, having got a few precious moments of sleep before rejoining the fight.

And then the pattern changes. They attack a HYDRA base and suddenly Bucky wakes up, cold, alone and strapped to a gurney. His wrists, ankles, and torso are belted to the unforgiving metal. He's awake for no more than five minutes before sleep pulls him back.

The next time he wakes up, the room has changed but he's still on the gurney. There are burns on his arms that weren't there the last time he was awake and his chest feels tight. He can't think straight and his mind is blank. When he closes his eyes he sees a flash of blonde hair before it all goes dark.

There's a tugging on his arms when he next opens his eyes. The blonde head that greets him is different but so familiar that he can't help but croak out "Steve?" as his arms are finally released. He grins when Steve turns to look at him because it's Steve. Steve who Bucky was constantly rescuing from bullies back home and was now saving Bucky from bullies overseas. Steve lifts him off the gurney and they make their way out, Bucky fighting the urge to collapse every second.

For the next few months Bucky wakes up tucked against Steve's chest. No one says anything and they carry on as if everything's normal because _it is. _It has to be because sometimes Bucky's mind goes blank and he forgets that who's side he's on. It only takes a moment to remember but every lapse leaves him gasping for breath and exhausted. All he wants is to sleep for days and days until this all just goes away. But he can't. He has to fight because the army needs him, the country needs him, and, most importantly, Steve needs him.

When he wakes up after the fall, he's cold. It's different from the HYDRA base because this chill is bone deep. There are parts of him missing already, an arm and an entire lifetime. He can feel the icy tendrils wrap around his heart until he's pulled under and he can't remember anything besides an empty hand and a broken heart. Soon even that disappears.

For years after, he wakes up to an emptiness in his head. He's never awake long enough to uncover the secrets hidden just under the Winter Soldier. He can feel it, clawing at his brain but before he can dig deep enough, they put him back in stasis and he forgets all over again.

When he begins training Natasha, he's awake for much longer than usual. He carries out his duties but in his down time he lies in bed and picks through everything he can remember. It's like someone put up a wall and it's starting to itch. He scratches through it, just enough to see a small boy with blonde hair covered in scrapes and bruises turn into a wall of muscle that almost nothing can hurt. But he can't remember the blonde man's name. It nags at him as he spars with Natasha. His mind is racing with thoughts of the man as he fucks her. But, like every other time, it ends too quickly and he falls asleep before it comes to him. He drifts off with a memory of blue eyes in his head.

It happens time and again: He wakes up, does his job, and falls asleep. Until one day he's on a mission and he runs into none other than Captain America. They fight, because that's what they were trained to do but there's something familiar in the way Captain America throws his shield and his punches. It's dark, so he can't see the too blue eyes staring at him in confusion. A sudden glint of light in Captain America's eyes and the Winter Soldier falls. He doesn't hit the pavement though, but before he can question it he's out, a name right on the tip of his tongue.

He wakes up in a hospital bed, maybe for the first time, maybe not. He takes in the blank white walls and the machines he has attached to him. He misses the blonde at first, until their eyes meet and there's something like relief and anger and something else stirring together. A nurse walks in before either of them can say anything. He feels strangely empty when they kick the blonde man out.

He wakes up shouting "Steve!" and suddenly a hand is grasping his and another is pushing back the hair on his head. The image is still burned into his brain, him falling and Steve reaching out. He's cold, a chill he hasn't felt in years, but he's warm where Steve is touching him. It's not real, it can't be real, this is exactly the kind of thing the Russians would do to test him, but the hands feel real, the overwhelming emotion in Steve's eyes can't be fake. He grips Steve's hand tightly and stays awake, staring at the friend, family, love, the _life _he lost.

_James Barnes. Sergeant. 32557. _He repeats it until it feels real.

Over the next year Bucky still wakes up in strange places. He wakes up in beds with scratchy sheets before heading off to therapy sessions and psych evaluations and hopefully lunch with Steve. He wakes up in a bed covered in who-knows-how-high thread count sheets and down pillows that smell like Steve. There are still missing pieces, gaps in his memories, and he still wakes up screaming sometimes, but now Steve is there, just like Bucky was always there. And that's how it's always been, two lost boys taking care of each other.

More often that not, Bucky wakes up pressed against Steve and he remember that it's ok. This time it's real.


End file.
